But to the dismay of many New Yorkers and javelin enthusiasts, New York Parks & Recreation have now banned javelin toss — a popular, relatively benign sport. The sport, played with a metal-tipped spear used primarily in track & field or in the past to kill wooly mammoths, was deemed “too dangerous for a crowded park filled with hundreds of sunbathers.”

The ban was made in Sheep Meadow, Central Park immediately after a few hundred people were accidentally speared in various areas — limbs, chest, neck, nut sack — last Sunday afternoon.

As it turns out, there is far less friction on an ice rink than there is on a baseball field. Just ask Daniel Santorium, 18, a Freshman student studying pre-law at Boston College. After learning of the courageous Philadelphia Phillies baseball fan who was brutally tased by security after running out on the field at Citizens Bank Park Monday night, Mr. Santorium showed his Flyers loyalty and did just the same at the Boston’s TD Garden, home of the Boston Bruins hockey team.

With the hopes of frolicking around the ice and evading security before being heroically taken down by 50,000 volts of electricity, Mr. Santorium climbed over the railing where the Flyers entered the ice before the third period of play at Monday’s matchup against the Bruins and made his way on the ice while both teams were warming up.

Mere seconds after high-stepping his way across the goal line while waving a white towel, Mr. Santorium anti-climatically slipped backwards and struck the back of his head on the ice surface. Due to a concussion (and fractured tail bone), he may never even remember his daring display of sports fan martyrdom. Most unfortunate however, Mr. Santorium was never tasered by security before a jeering and masochistic crowd of 25,000 people and millions of YouTube viewers.

Sanchez plotting his next move

Sanchez, or as he’s known in seagull circles “Sanchez the Dirty Seagull,” exploits his ability to fly more so than most birds. Whether it’s intentionally eating MSG-laden leftovers from the dumpster behind Chinese restaurants and shitting explosively above funeral burial gatherings, or sneaking inside elementary school gymnasiums during P.E. class to elicit complete chaos, Sanchez always plays it dirty. But now his behavior is becoming much more nuanced, as evidenced by his most recent activity.

Last Sunday while eating a delicious Chipotle burrito with chips and salsa by the Hudson River during his lunch break, Flip Mason, 37, had the misfortune of encountering Sanchez. Just as Mr. Mason was picking out the last chip, Sanchez swooped down and stole it from his fingertips. Already regretting that he ate the chips so quickly, Mr. Mason screamed out, “Hey what the fuck!” and glanced around to make sure at least someone else witnessed the scene. “Can you believe that bird — it stole my last damn chip!?”

Seconds later — adding insult to injury — the seagull returned and dipped the chip in Mr. Mason’s salsa, spilling a tomato chunk on his jeans.

Later that evening, It’s So True reporters bravely approached several seagulls poking for crumbs near the Hudson River. When probed about Sanchez’s antics and increasingly sophisticated eating habits, the gulls incessantly nodded their heads back-and-forth in complete agreement, and acknowledged Sanchez’s chicanery, caw-cawing that Sanchez “enjoys his chips with salsa.”

The scene mere moments after the incident

“I was in a rush to get to work,” Sawchuck explained. “I was an absolute idiot … after stepping out of the shower, I felt an unusual slippery sensation between my legs — 30 seconds later, I realized I didn’t thoroughly rinse off.”

Early reports indicate that Sawchuck did not even spend a mere second to ensure that all areas of his body were properly washed, and stepped out of the shower like a fool, leaving a smidgen of Dove Men’s Body Wash in an often ignored crevasse.

“I started drying off and then was real pissed off when I realized I had to get all wet again. What a damn bummer”

Check back tomorrow to hear the full interview with our reporter who discovered the story.

photo via photo bucket

He’s actually not. He just dresses the part of a mildly successful indie singer who has been living in and out of a van for 6 months.

“I’m too busy thinking about music to really worry about how I look,” says Doogin who went on to discuss the ‘Hipster License.’

“When it comes to music, I may not be in a band, but I have listened to enough music and gone to enough shows to be able to dress and act like I am a weathered music man. That’s what a Hipster License is.”

Tiffany is a junior at New York University. A seasoned socialite, she understands what’s cool and she understands that constantly acting busy will always be cool — regardless of age.

Although she interns part-time at NBC (her father hooked that shit up), she speaks authoritatively at the bars about the “changing face of journalism” — an expression she overheard. Nonetheless, the real story is that within a three-hour span this past Saturday morning, Tiffany sent out a relentless flurry of 32 separate Facebook updates, notifying friends that she is, indeed, busy. The AP reported earlier today that she updated her status — on average — every three minutes, beating her previous record of every 10 minutes last week.

The updates ranged from “SOOOO busy right now, no time for ANYTHING!!!” to more specific work-related grievances such as, “Don’t have time to think cuz office is so crazy today, I looked terrible today on camera — PUNCH ME!!”

More to come.

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Indignant Starbucks patrons waited impatiently for the unisex bathroom before an employee finally opened the door to find a well-dressed middle-aged man, curled up in fetal position clutching his brief case.

“It was a long day at work,” the gentleman uttered in a British accent. ” I am not sleeping, just resting before returning home. Is that not what these rooms are for?”

While being dragged out the brit, shouted repeatedly, “I was not bathing, I was not bathing.”

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In this day and age, Americans have grown accustomed to the simplicity of their personal communication devices. No need to actually dial a friend or loved one’s phone number — that is, until you get arrested and cannot recollect any number but Empire Carpet. Just ask Henry Haynesworth of Brooklyn, New York.

Haynesworth, 36, says he never even bothered to memorize his parent’s house phone or his wife’s cell number — even in the case of an emergency such as an arrest.

“I’d just press ‘Parent Home,’ or ‘Shirley’ and I’d be instantly connected to a loved one,” Haynesworth told It’s So True. “As my case indicates … memorizing at least one number is a good idea.”

After Haynesworth was arrested and tossed in jail for his third urinating in public violation, authorities confiscated his cell phone, and Haynesworth had no one to call. So he dialed up the last number ingrained in his memory: 588-2300 AND 5. Thanks to decades of steady, ad nauseum messaging, Haynesworth was able to finally reach his wife via Empire Carpet

Empire Carpet customer hotline representative, Melissa Slutski, said she received a call from the Hudson County Correctional Center and spoke to a “frantic gentleman” pleading with her to call his wife and let her know that he was thrown in jail and needed bail money.

“I was shocked,” said Slutski. “But I kept my composure and told him that I would only reach out to his wife if he would take me up on my irresistible offer of 60 percent off of an in-home carpet estimate … once he was released from jail. He did.”

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(image via pinstripebindi.wordpress.com/)

Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) was a client of a high-end gigolo ring broken up last week by federal authorities, according to It’s So True. An outspoken critic who recently said that she “under no certain circumstances” would give the government “control over her body” or her “health care decisions” is facing a scandal that may soon unveil vivid details concerning her body to the entire world. This development threatens to end her career and possibly dismantle the G.O.P.’s chances in the 2010 elections.

It’s So True’s nifty wiretap captured a woman identified as “Client 5″ on a cellphone conversation confirming plans to have a man fly from Los Angeles to Washington, where she had booked a hotel room, according to an affidavit filed in federal court in Los Angeles.

While critics of Bachmann will consider this development a travesty, die-hard Bachmann supporters will spin this as yet another female, high-profile politician succumbing to the pressures of stressful political life by means of sexual exploitation.

One of our reporters, coincidentally client number 6 of the same high-end gigolo ring, sensed something suspicious when she noticed Ms. Bachmann briskly walking out of the same hotel room in Washington as a topless callboy she recognized waved goodbye while holding a stack of one-hundred dollar bills. After further investigation and wiretaps, it became clear from documents that Ms.Bachmann was, indeed, client number 5. While journalists and political scientists may argue endlessly over the respectability of this number, it is more satisfactory than client number 9, as former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer would likely attest.

Sources say that Ms. Bachmann will hold a press conference tomorrow afternoon. Various friends and sources say her husband plans to stand directly adjacent to her as she apologizes to Minnesota and the Republican party.

Stay tuned to It’s So True for more details.

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Sasha, a bomb-sniffing dog, hard at work last Friday image via flickr/armymil

Cheeto, a lay dog, watching an Ellen re-run on day time television (image via Flickr/robotskirt)

Cheeto is a Park Slope, New York City liberal. During afternoon strolls with his dog-walker, Horatio, he sniffs for urine around small trees, pedestrian signs and fire hydrants for signs of other animal urine, all the while ruminating and obsessing over existential life questions. That’s his thing.

On the other hand, you have Sasha, also a Park Slope resident, but a conservative canine who investigates crime scenes, stands guard at airport security lines, and arguably saves the lives of innocent civilians everyday. And when Sasha was younger, he even traveled to far away war zones to sniff U.S. military tanks that contained potential enemy explosives. Sasha still maintains a rigid routine — if he is not on the job, he wakes up every morning and is shipped to the NYPD headquarters for intense training .

So when Sasha crossed paths with Cheeto at a dog park last Wednesday in Park Slope, he was aghast when Cheeto a smaller, rather lazy dog snarled at him and allegedly made a snide rebark saying, “Sasha needs to get his head out of his entitled ass.” But Sasha was quick with a rejoinder, expressing his own deap-seated hatred for dogs like Cheeto who he claims, “leech off of their Owner at all costs.”

“Get a fu–ing job, I wake up every morning, eat chow, and then go to fu–ing work — you sleep most of the day and do nothing but lick your own ass.” This initiated a large barkument over the role of Owners and their dogs. Cheeto is convinced that he was adopted and was not reared with the same education while Sasha considers Cheeto a benefactor of a “socialist” Owner.

It never ends.

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