Tim Sawchuck IV is an absolute idiot. At least that’s what he called himself after prematurely stepping out of the shower last Tuesday morning.

“I was in a rush to get to work,” Sawchuck explained. “I was an absolute idiot … after stepping out of the shower, I felt an unusual slippery sensation between my legs — 30 seconds later, I realized I didn’t thoroughly rinse off.”

Early reports indicate that Sawchuck did not even spend a mere second to ensure that all areas of his body were properly washed, and stepped out of the shower like a fool, leaving a smidgen of Dove Men’s Body Wash in an often ignored crevasse.

“I started drying off and then was real pissed off when I realized I had to get all wet again. What a damn bummer”

Check back tomorrow to hear the full interview with our reporter who discovered the story.

Williamsburg resident Dan Doogin can’t clap his hands in rhythm; he also can’t whistle a tune or hum a melody without eliciting anger. So how exactly is he the lead singer of a popular indie band on the last leg of a nationwide epic tour?

He’s actually not. He just dresses the part of a mildly successful indie singer who has been living in and out of a van for 6 months.

“I’m too busy thinking about music to really worry about how I look,” says Doogin who went on to discuss the ‘Hipster License.’

“When it comes to music, I may not be in a band, but I have listened to enough music and gone to enough shows to be able to dress and act like I am a weathered music man. That’s what a Hipster License is.”

Tiffany is a junior at New York University. A seasoned socialite, she understands what’s cool and she understands that constantly acting busy will always be cool — regardless of age.

Although she interns part-time at NBC (her father hooked that shit up), she speaks authoritatively at the bars about the “changing face of journalism” — an expression she overheard. Nonetheless, the real story is that within a three-hour span this past Saturday morning, Tiffany sent out a relentless flurry of 32 separate Facebook updates, notifying friends that she is, indeed, busy. The AP reported earlier today that she updated her status — on average — every three minutes, beating her previous record of every 10 minutes last week.

The updates ranged from “SOOOO busy right now, no time for ANYTHING!!!” to more specific work-related grievances such as, “Don’t have time to think cuz office is so crazy today, I looked terrible today on camera — PUNCH ME!!”

More to come.

-js