Sanchez plotting his next move

Sanchez, or as he’s known in seagull circles “Sanchez the Dirty Seagull,” exploits his ability to fly more so than most birds. Whether it’s intentionally eating MSG-laden leftovers from the dumpster behind Chinese restaurants and shitting explosively above funeral burial gatherings, or sneaking inside elementary school gymnasiums during P.E. class to elicit complete chaos, Sanchez always plays it dirty. But now his behavior is becoming much more nuanced, as evidenced by his most recent activity.

Last Sunday while eating a delicious Chipotle burrito with chips and salsa by the Hudson River during his lunch break, Flip Mason, 37, had the misfortune of encountering Sanchez. Just as Mr. Mason was picking out the last chip, Sanchez swooped down and stole it from his fingertips. Already regretting that he ate the chips so quickly, Mr. Mason screamed out, “Hey what the fuck!” and glanced around to make sure at least someone else witnessed the scene. “Can you believe that bird — it stole my last damn chip!?”

Seconds later — adding insult to injury — the seagull returned and dipped the chip in Mr. Mason’s salsa, spilling a tomato chunk on his jeans.

Later that evening, It’s So True reporters bravely approached several seagulls poking for crumbs near the Hudson River. When probed about Sanchez’s antics and increasingly sophisticated eating habits, the gulls incessantly nodded their heads back-and-forth in complete agreement, and acknowledged Sanchez’s chicanery, caw-cawing that Sanchez “enjoys his chips with salsa.”

Sasha, a bomb-sniffing dog, hard at work last Friday image via flickr/armymil

Cheeto, a lay dog, watching an Ellen re-run on day time television (image via Flickr/robotskirt)

Cheeto is a Park Slope, New York City liberal. During afternoon strolls with his dog-walker, Horatio, he sniffs for urine around small trees, pedestrian signs and fire hydrants for signs of other animal urine, all the while ruminating and obsessing over existential life questions. That’s his thing.

On the other hand, you have Sasha, also a Park Slope resident, but a conservative canine who investigates crime scenes, stands guard at airport security lines, and arguably saves the lives of innocent civilians everyday. And when Sasha was younger, he even traveled to far away war zones to sniff U.S. military tanks that contained potential enemy explosives. Sasha still maintains a rigid routine — if he is not on the job, he wakes up every morning and is shipped to the NYPD headquarters for intense training .

So when Sasha crossed paths with Cheeto at a dog park last Wednesday in Park Slope, he was aghast when Cheeto a smaller, rather lazy dog snarled at him and allegedly made a snide rebark saying, “Sasha needs to get his head out of his entitled ass.” But Sasha was quick with a rejoinder, expressing his own deap-seated hatred for dogs like Cheeto who he claims, “leech off of their Owner at all costs.”

“Get a fu–ing job, I wake up every morning, eat chow, and then go to fu–ing work — you sleep most of the day and do nothing but lick your own ass.” This initiated a large barkument over the role of Owners and their dogs. Cheeto is convinced that he was adopted and was not reared with the same education while Sasha considers Cheeto a benefactor of a “socialist” Owner.

It never ends.

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(Pic via Flickr/Goldberg)

At yesterday’s lively Gay Pride Parade on Fifth Avenue, Horatio Rodriguez brought along his dog — Alex Rodriguez. Although Horatio, 38, came out of the proverbial closet 25 years ago, his puppy Alex — a male Labrador — is not openly gay and shows no apparent signs of homosexual behavior. Therefore when Horatio forced Alex, 4, into an ostentatious pink collar, the animal appeared rather irritable.

Alex viciously defended himself throughout the parade, adding more bite and bark to his typical docile playful interactions with other animals in the neighborhood.

Fearing that other dogs would get the wrong impression about his sexual preferences, Alex fought to maintain his neighborhood credibility, making snide rebarks during passing barkuments with other dogs in the neighborhood, and urinating and shitting without out lifting a leg or notifying Horatio.

Horatio says that ‘by default’ his dog is also gay, and his misbehavior at the parade had “nothing to do with the pink outfit.”

“I’m gay, therefore so is my puppy. I just know it,” said Horatio waving his hands wildly in the air at two scantily clad males selling David Shorts.

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