After swallowing a mouthful of scum puddle water from a passing taxi on First Avenue yesterday, Corey Simms, 26, had just about enough. The dirty rain water was the least of his worries, as he was recently demoted from Sales Manager to Data Input Associate at the Lick & Stick Envelope Glue company he’s worked for the last two years (his boss allegedly spun it as a ‘promotion for the greater good’).

Only compounding his misfortunes, the dentist, earlier that morning, said he would require reconstructive gum surgery due in part to using a mega-hard bristled toothbrush. Corey says he was under the impression that ‘the harder the bristles, the more deep and intense the teeth cleaning.’

So, Corey decided it was time to make a small jab at God. Corey’s goal was to inform Him of all the recent bad news with the hope that God would wake the f— up and grant him some better news in the near future.

“After the cab drenched me in black dirt water — I think I tasted a smidgen of dog urine and gasoline — I spit it out and was so pissed off. I looked to the sky and made a snide comment to God,” he said. “But it must have come across much differently than I expected.”

Minutes after his sarcastic plea — ‘Ok, God, you sure are making things soo easy today,’ — his prayer backfired. As it turns out, God did not pick up on Corey’s seemingly explicit sarcasm, and granted him but one more unfortunate piece of news.

Corey’s go-to Three Wolf Moon 100% Cotton Short Sleeve Shirt — the one he bought in a rural Wisconsin truck stop a few years back– was forming a large hole.

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Nicholas Brown, known as Mr. B by his high school students, is lobbying hard at this Wednesday’s PTA meeting to change the title of next year’s United States History courses.

United States History and United States History AP are the two main classes taught by Mr. Brown at Santa Monica Academy in Los Angeles, but Mr. B would prefer the title of his courses to be, “Native Americans and America’s Rich History” — completely discrediting the plight and incredible resurgence of the middle-class white male.

It’s So True asked Brown why he feels so strongly that the course name be changed, and he answered rather academically, but still managed to completely gloss over America’s rich white history.

“Do you know a thing about United States history?” he asked us condescendingly. “There doesn’t seem to be a more consistent motif in any other culture over the span of the last four hundred years. Native Americans were constantly trampled upon.”

We asked the tough question — how this “motif” would be woven into events like World War II and, more importantly, 9/11. Brown’s retort was as follows:

“There were these things in World War II called codes. The Americans used them, and they were virtually unbreakable … mainly because they were invented by the fu–ing Navajo Native American tribe. As for 9/11, you try and use that to get out of this, and I will kick you in the throat.”

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In a hidden chamber in the Hapsburg Castle, a secret chest was unearthed by a team of local archaeologists, and the discovery was leaked to It’s So True’s newly formed investigative team last Friday.

The chest was rumored to have been owned and sealed by Maximilian I of the Holy Roman Empire, and it contained crude, early versions of what now are considered sex toys.

According to Arndt Schmige, the head archaeologist, these are the first versions of many of the world’s foremost sex toys. Among the more interesting items in the chest, was a ruby encrusted, vibrating egg powered by a Swiss watch movement mechanism and a set of crudely fashioned anal beads.

Bill Dawson of the Field Museum in Chicago spoke at length on the subject.

“These findings are truly fascinating,” he said. To know that the Romans weren’t the only practitioners of self-serving sexual deviancy is truly astounding. The anal beads are truly a marvel, and judging by their gold encrusted exterior are only fit for the rectum of a king. Equally fascinating is the vibrating egg powered by Swiss mechanical precision. I imagine the Queen of Hapsburg ravaging herself during those lonely nights alone in the palace.”

The artifacts were claimed by the government to be property of the country’s hall of records which led to many complications when the entire excavation took a turn shoving the vibrating egg up each of their rectal cavities. Apparently the ruby crusted exterior was not as forgiving for them as it was for King Maximilian.

More details to come in the following days

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