World Tiddlywinks Competition Goes Down To The Wire
In a brutal sport like tiddlywinks each centimeter matters, and as its large American fan base can attest -- just about anything can happen. When underdog “Thunder and Lightning” Fayers took the crown, he simply erupted.
Matt “Thunder and Lightning” Fayers claimed his first tiddlywinks world championship this Friday at the World Tiddly Championship Competition (WTCC). Its So True sports reporters were live for the victory at the Glendale, California YMCA, and caught up with champion Matt Fayers.
“Who else wants a piece!! These motherfu–ers aint’ hard enough for this right here!” screamed Fayers triumphantly as he was handed the plastic trophy.
The final match was one for the ages, as the crowd of 32.5 watched in awe as the defending champion “Ass Kicking” Ari Berkowitz’s plastic tiddlywinks sailed over his cup and landed on the table. Fayers then responded by sinking his tiddlywink right into the center of the cup, sealing his fate forever as a tiddlywinks champion. Never one for sportsmanship, Fayers climbed up on the table and began mimicking Sean Michaels from Degeneration X by thrusting his pelvis and yelling “suck it” at the astonished crowd.
“Blood sweat and tears! Plus a big set of nuts and a long swinging d–k!” Was how the new champion responded when asked how he defeated Berkowitz, the previous reigning champion of three years. “I trained hard for this shit, and I got to give a shout out to my trainer and my sponsor The Avery Septic Tank Company.”
His training regiment consisted of a strict diet of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Hot Pockets, many of hours of flicking plastic counters into a can, and a lifetime of never getting laid. However, Fayer said he would be “nut deep in hella’ groupies” at the Ramada Inn afterward.
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Fitness Reporter Uses ‘Economic Angle’ For 75th Consecutive Column
A model performing one of reporter Jennifer Cerrion’s questionable recession-busting butt stretches. (Demonstrated as suggested in one of Cerrion’s columns)(photo courtesy of http://www.hazelfaithfull.co.uk/yogaclasses.html)
Jennifer Cerrion, Fitness Week’s Eatin’ Healthy and Lookin’ Sexy editor, has covered everything from the debut of Five Minute Abs to the absolute best bikini body plans; she even tackled the most yummy turkey wraps back when it wasn’t such a popular thing to do. Always providing a pithy lead and a kicker with a double exclamation point, she is the intellectual force of the fitness world.
As of late, Cerrion is becoming less and less and cutesy, and more and more focused on a news peg that attracts readers: the economic crisis.
“I just feel like the recession is so big right now — it’s so in,” said Cerrion as she waited outside of Crunch gym in Midtown for an interview with a trainer. “Yea, so what, 75 fitness and recession-related columns is a lot, but I’m carving out a nice ‘recessionista’ niche.”
But some of Cerrion’s readers are beginning to pick up on her trend.
“I just don’t get how she justifies not toasting bread when preparing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as a great ‘recession buster,’” said angry Fitness Week reader Jennifer Mazzarati.
In her recent column, Cerrion makes a meandering argument that “leaving out the toaster while making a pb&j” will save you big money on electrical bills.
Her column two weeks ago, “The Cheapest Bubble Butt Builder” raised some eyebrows, because she presented no evidence that performing squats while holding a small child over your head — as opposed to those pricey weights — eliminates any wasteful spending, or strengthens your behind.
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