In this day and age, Americans have grown accustomed to the simplicity of their personal communication devices. No need to actually dial a friend or loved one’s phone number — that is, until you get arrested and cannot recollect any number but Empire Carpet. Just ask Henry Haynesworth of Brooklyn, New York.

Haynesworth, 36, says he never even bothered to memorize his parent’s house phone or his wife’s cell number — even in the case of an emergency such as an arrest.

“I’d just press ‘Parent Home,’ or ‘Shirley’ and I’d be instantly connected to a loved one,” Haynesworth told It’s So True. “As my case indicates … memorizing at least one number is a good idea.”

After Haynesworth was arrested and tossed in jail for his third urinating in public violation, authorities confiscated his cell phone, and Haynesworth had no one to call. So he dialed up the last number ingrained in his memory: 588-2300 AND 5. Thanks to decades of steady, ad nauseum messaging, Haynesworth was able to finally reach his wife via Empire Carpet

Empire Carpet customer hotline representative, Melissa Slutski, said she received a call from the Hudson County Correctional Center and spoke to a “frantic gentleman” pleading with her to call his wife and let her know that he was thrown in jail and needed bail money.

“I was shocked,” said Slutski. “But I kept my composure and told him that I would only reach out to his wife if he would take me up on my irresistible offer of 60 percent off of an in-home carpet estimate … once he was released from jail. He did.”

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Danforth’s gas guzzling, environmentally unfriendly peace mobile

When Whit Danforth arrived in the Red Rocks parking lot for a local Colorado bluegrass festival, he seemed ill-equipped to answer questions about his 2008 BMW X-5 that was covered in Greenpeace stickers and other environmental paraphernalia.

Upon arrival, Danforth seemed un-informed and abrasive when answering questions about the juxtaposition between his car and its bumper stickers. Danforth himself was clad in a burlap potato sack, sporting wily dread locks with two full sleeves tattoos that depicted Buddhist and Hindu imagery. When asked what his views were on the environment he paused for a moment in a state of confusion, and then responded,

“What was that bro? Me and my buddies just dosed some acid like a fuckin’ half hour ago, and I’m start to get some pretty serious visuals.”

The question was repeated and Danforth was only able to muster the following response: “Oh. Fuckin, global warming is fucking serious dude. The fuckin’ corporations just don’t fuckin’ care. That’s why I only drink Fat Tire, the shit is straight organic dude.”

According to Danforth, the stickers on his car are his way of “fuckin’ expressing himself.” Also, Danforth went on to say that he wasn’t aware of his car’s effect on the environment, and that his BMW – an Easter present from his parents — “fucking rips on the highway. How else would I get to Vail every weekend?”

Outside sources say Danforth’s father is the former governor of New Hampshire, and that his grandfather was a high ranking executive with Phillip Morris.

When reporters from It’s So True tried to question him about his thoughts on eastern religion and philosophy, and whether or not they influenced his tattoos and style of dress, he responded by projectile vomiting on to the hood of his BMW. Shortly thereafter he was taken to detox by local security.

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One of Ricardo Dulce’s breathtaking photographs taken in the East Village’s Tompkins Square Park

Every New Yorker knows of a hidden gem in the Big Apple — a delicious fusion restaurant, an off off off Broadway play, a boutique consignment shop that sells plaid button-downs. But what about off-color beauty in the East Village? One amateur photographer, Ricardo Dulce, 31, is certain that he has discovered it.

Dulce knows beauty when he sees it. He lays pretty low around town, wears a paper boy hat, speaks in cliches about his portfolio, and often pontificates about “capturing the moment.”

The first man to stumble upon this neighborhood with a high res camera on hand, he unleashed and captured a true moment.

“It was exhilarating,” Dulce said shaking his head, in utter disbelief over his discovery and the subsequent respect from the city’s visual art community that came with it.

“There’s the De La Vega store, a crazy wild art store, and then there’s abandoned bikes locked to street light poles… and there’s teenagers and aggressive hipsters with completely avant garde leather jackets and piercings. I felt an urge to snap a few shots from odd angles.”

Some of the pieces in Dulce’s album were developed in black and white, a unique technique whereby one can portray a darker, edgier side of a picture.

“It’s my job as an artist to discover and portray myself for my audience,” he said speaking to the minutiae and nitty gritty of his upcoming East Village album.

He believes his audience will only increase once he posts East Village on Flickr, a photo sharing site, but Dulce admits that there’s much more to come from this funky area of Lower East Side New York.

“This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of finding beauty in the East Village. But what I did was break into Pandora’s purse [sic].”

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