Last Friday, Phillip Seymor felt an uncomfortable sensation in his anus, and thankfully one of our reporters, by chance, was on the scene to witness the ensuing creative display of public itch relief.

Seymor described it as an “acute itch” and a “terrible tickling sensation” that began attacking his inner rear at the most inopportune of moments — as he was delivering unfortunate news to his girlfriend.

“It’s not you … it’s me,” he explained to his girlfriend of one and a half years, employing the age-old — and relatively successful — break-up tactic. “I mean, you’ve done nothing wrong, I just can’t do the whole girlfriend thing right now because with looking for PR internships, Zog Sports kickball once a week and all, it’s getting a little tough–”

And then the itch began tickling his anus, suddenly and with increasing uncomfortableness.

Seymor reached around to adjust his jeans with the hope that in the process he might casually dig a finger up there and perform what he called “pinching the itch” without her noticing; but he failed to sell his (ex)girlfriend on all fronts.

“Why the f– are you picking your ass, right as you dump me? How stupid and inconsiderate can you be??!”

His girlfriend, who asked to remain anonymous when we ambushed her soon after the scene, was irate at his antics and began crying as he broke her his decision to call it quits.

Seymor tried again moments later using a tactic only intended for desperate situations. He leaned against a low metal fence protecting a small garden, and as a cat might use the end of a couch as a scratching device, so did Seymor digging his rear up and down against the pointed metal.

He no longer needed to finish his poorly scripted excuse.

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When Jeffery Armstrong found a seat on the crowded 6 train on the way home from work yesterday, he was in one of his better moods. It was just one compliment after the next at work. And when an attractive woman sat across from him on the subway and looked his way, he was certain she was “checking him out.”

“It was sort of obvious, I mean she didn’t even attempt to look away,” he said. “She was staring at me — examining the contours of my face, tilting her head this way and that.”

Jeffery, 29, went on to explain with complete confidence the science of how his recent work success ‘emits a sort of unintentional aphrodisiac that attracts single women.’

“There was no doubt in my mind,” Armstrong admitted. “She saw my stature and my work clothing, and in a blink, she knew I was her type of man. I mean she was decent looking, not my type. The ball was in my court — should I stroke her confidence and give her a wink? Or just play it cool?”

It’s So True examined this issue head on, and ambushed the young lady that Armstrong was referring to — just as she was leaving Crunch fitness.

We asked her if she recalled a man on the subway that she found attractive the previous day.

“Oh that guy?” she said after several seconds of thought. She expressed concern that she was being used for a ‘missed connections reality show.’ “Wait — you mean the dude on the subway yesterday with the pink shirt and pit stains, uh… like a big forehead, and eyes that were really, really close together?”

Indeed Armstrong does possess a large forehead and unusually close eye sockets.

“No, no, no, no, I was completely lost,” she said laughing, toying her wedding ring. “I was squinting to see the large subway map, and his head was blocking all of Lower Manhattan.”

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On Monday morning Eddie Sanchez purchased a 20 oz bottle of Coca Cola Classic knowing full well that without caffeine he’d fall asleep during the painfully boring “Meet The Grant Makers” conference. So when Sanchez, a Community Outreach Associate, began drifting off to sleep in the middle of the Director of Health and Human Service’s spiel, he decided he needed a liquid jolt.

But this was no ordinary bottle opening situation — he was sitting in a large quiet auditorium with approximately 50 other individuals, and did not want to twist his bottle open and interrupt the speaker with a noisy release of fizz and CO2.

So Sanchez employed a tactic that is widely used, but has never actually proven to be effective: The Short Spurt Bottle Opening Method.

When the Assistant Director of HHS began outlining the government agency’s grant funding, Sanchez began to slowly, but surreptitiously, twist his Coke cap in short spurts. He did this in several barely audible twists lasting only 2.5 seconds each in order to avoid his fear of “one startling loud and sustained noise.”

The following is an excerpt of the transcript during the Assistant Director’s remarks:

“We are now distributing funds for a community block grant in the amount of … TSSSST… $5 milllion dollars over the course of three years. We are looking for community … TSSSST… community … TSSSST … community … TSSSST … collaboration, and will not accept … TSSST … TSSSST… Ok. Ok. Ok. Open the damn drink already so I can go on. Just ff ffuc just quit it.”

Sanchez was unfortunately unable to open his drink until the Assistant Director later cracked a lame “there will be no bailouts here” joke that earned her a few halfhearted laughs.

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