Tiffany is a junior at New York University. A seasoned socialite, she understands what’s cool and she understands that constantly acting busy will always be cool — regardless of age.

Although she interns part-time at NBC (her father hooked that shit up), she speaks authoritatively at the bars about the “changing face of journalism” — an expression she overheard. Nonetheless, the real story is that within a three-hour span this past Saturday morning, Tiffany sent out a relentless flurry of 32 separate Facebook updates, notifying friends that she is, indeed, busy. The AP reported earlier today that she updated her status — on average — every three minutes, beating her previous record of every 10 minutes last week.

The updates ranged from “SOOOO busy right now, no time for ANYTHING!!!” to more specific work-related grievances such as, “Don’t have time to think cuz office is so crazy today, I looked terrible today on camera — PUNCH ME!!”

More to come.

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For Darren Jenning, the fist-pumping, warm beer-chugging social chairman of Theta Tau Omega fraternity, it remains a struggle justifying his major to anyone who actually knows him. Perhaps that’s because he chose an unlikely concentration for a red meat mimbo at Sycamore University — Women’s Studies.

Only minutes before going to the liquor store to purchase 49 boxes of Franzia boxed wine for his fraternity’s famous Box Wine Wednesday, we caught up with Darren.

“I chose Women’s Studies for the same reason someone chooses, like, economics or English,” he said, unable to make eye contact with our Gotcha’ reporter. And Darren claimed his choice was unrelated to meeting women.

“The shit is interesting they talk about. I’m inspired by Susan Boyle Anthony, and others. And no, I don’t do it for the chicks — they come to me, usually.”

Melinda Carey — a lecturer for the class Feminism in America: Combating The Post World War Two Male Jerkoff — says that Darren is the only male in the lecture of 130, and is easily distracted, often scanning the lecture hall. She also says he never sits in the same location. Other students vouch for his curious behavior.

“He just kind of sits there… he sat next to me during lecture a couple weeks ago,” said one student who asked to remain anonymous. “He just sort of invited me to his Tequila Tuesday pregame in his room, and kind of just said something about him working out after lecture or something.”

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When the O’Hanlon parents overheard their 17 year-old daughter discussing ‘hj’s’ over the phone with one of her girl friends, they assumed it was just another silly inside joke.

But when the O’Hanlon’s brought it up with other parents on the Spring Formal Board, the other moms and dads in this suburban neighborhood responded in a similarly bewildered fashion:   Their daughters were apparently also doling out “hj’s” on the weekends.

In a recent combined study from multiple universities, the ‘hj’, or hand job themed party, has become increasingly common. The popularity has been fueled by high school females seeking to ingratiate themselves into the upper echelons of their school’s social circles — namely the “A- or B- squads” of male cohorts.

Students willing to speak on record were few and far between, but It’s So True did locate one anonymous Michigan high school senior who agreed to explain the phenomenon:

“There will usually be a BYOL — Bring Your Own Lubricant party — at someone’s house whose parents are out of town,” he said. “These parties are key moments for social mobility.  If some girl really wants to hang with a certain crowd, they choose to show how much it means to them — it usually involves a ring-free, non-calloused, dominant hand in a strange location.

But it is not the activity itself or the salaciousness of hj’s that irk most parents in these largely suburban neighborhoods, so much as it is the reality of the situation:  in the real adult world it requires much more than an innocent hj to get admitted into the best colleges and graduate schools or to move up the professional ladder.


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