image via Flickr/aresauburn

James, 16, waited nervously outside AMC theaters last Friday evening for his date with Jill. But when Jill’s mother dropped Jill off and pulled away in her minivan it was just the two of them, and they were forced to converse despite their shared tendency for awkwardness. It just so happens, our It’s So True movie critic was at the Midtown New York theaters to review “Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs 3D” and became so encapsulated in this human interest story of two young moviegoers that he investigated what spawned the whole outing for an upcoming feature. (The movie review will now run next week.)

Preliminary reporting indicates that James,16, asked out Jill,15, on a whim. After all, Jill had been eyeing James for the past few months in their history class, so James did what any young hormonally-charged male would do with an alley-oop opportunity: He slipped her a shoddily folded note asking her on a date. The equivalent of a modest two-hand jam.

Jill obviously responded to his note with an elaborate, origami star-shaped note, but contrary to her typical snobbish behavior towards young male suitors she actually agreed to his request. Jill only acquiesced because she says she overheard some “dumb older chick telling some other chick” that James was “hawt.”

Now back to the theater.

After an awkward hug they silently walked up to the ticket booth and stood in the concessions line, both overly aware of the silence but too shy to test out their premeditated ice breakers that they practiced and planned for such occasions. The silence stung both of them for several minutes, but James finally mustered up some courage.

“I…I…I’ll…I’ll buy you a soda, wuddya want?”

“Oh. My. Gawd. You called it soda. No — it’s pop!!” exclaimed Jill overjoyed by the fact that there was finally fodder for conversation.

While sociologists have spent millions of taxpayer dollars to study what the most appropriate name for the fizzy beverage actually is, the two insisted on a debate in the middle of the theater and bantered for several minutes — soda or pop?

James was eager to capitalize on his brilliant conversation starter to perhaps use it as a stepping stone to further conversation, and maybe a kiss or an over-the-jeans hj.

“I swear pop sounds soo stupid,” exclaimed James rubbing her shoulder awkwardly.

“Are you kidding?!” she shouted turning the heads of others in line.

The couple finally made it into the theaters to watch Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs 3D. It’s So True staff have not yet received reports of any over-the-jeans hj’s.

Please check back next week for a full-length story and an interview with James.

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If you think hazing was just for football players and fratsters, think again. Serious incidents involving hazing have surfaced recently at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Alverdine Baldred, a freshman wizard-apprentice at Hogwarts, was forced to participate in an “enchanted elephant walk.” It’s So True’s reporters caught up with Baldred, and asked him to describe the hazing process and ritual.

“You see, an enchanted elephant walk is just like a regular elephant walk. Only instead of sticking your finger … you know … up there … we just use a magic wand instead.”

Baldred seemed deeply disturbed by the incident, but said that it was commonplace at the school. Many students and faculty members attribute it to the fact that the wizard world has become far more competitive, and that the cutthroat attitude has trickled down to the student body.

“When I was training to be a potion mixer all you needed was a big white beard and a ‘can-do’ attitude. Now a days class rank is so competitive you’ve got kids eating troll shit and f–ing hill giants just to be a part of some exclusive club!” retorted Elgar Baldred, father of Alverdine, when the hazing allegations were announced. “I don’t care how bad you want to be a part of the Quidditch team, you don’t parade around a locker room with another guy’s magic wand up your rear! Am I speaking Orcish up here and not knowing it!?”

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As long as the Bros. keep playing and the girls keep squealing, the US may be energy independent in less than a year (image via Wikipedia commons)

President Barack Obama signed an executive order today allowing General Motors to harness the energy produced from ear piercing screams at Jonas Brothers related events for clean fuel use.

“Let’s be clear,” said Obama. “We put a man into space in just ten years; we can use the euphoric high-pitched squeals of tweens to fuel the cars and factories of tomorrow.”

In an age where coal-burning fuel only further erodes our atmosphere, and American auto makers struggle to keep up with innovative clean fuel technology, it seems fitting that Dr. Jessiby Hurley discovered this new source of energy and sold the patent to the struggling General Motors.

“I was at a Jonas Brothers concert with my 13 year-old daughter and nearly collapsed under the sound of squeals when the act first stepped on stage,” Hurley said.

“Then I had this idea — what if I harness that sound and used it as fuel? … so I bought tickets to their next concert in New Jersey carrying a test tube. I bottled the sound perfectly, and I powered my wife’s sybian — and then only months powered an actual automobile.”

The fan reaction recorded from other musicians’ concerts — Meat Loaf, Jack Johnson, My Morning Jacket — however were not nearly powerful or shrill enough for use as an energy source.

The euphoric squeals from Jonas Brothers enthusiasts remind many Baby Boomers of the Fab Five years. But Jonas screams seem to ‘do the trick’ according to Baby Boomer and former presidential candidate Al Gore.

“Changing your light bulbs, saving your solid excrement for use as gardening soil, or unplugging your sybian before you leave the house seem like minuscule steps to saving planet earth now,” said Gore. “The fact is that one Jonas Brother surprise appearance elicits enough energy and zeal from tweens to light Cleveland.”

Scientists say that if we can harness the power of Jonas Brother-related fervor — assuming the teenage rockers never break up and a new generation of youngsters remain ardent fans — the U.S.will be effortlessly energy independent by 2016.

General Motors refused comment.

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