Tiffany is a junior at New York University. A seasoned socialite, she understands what’s cool and she understands that constantly acting busy will always be cool — regardless of age.

Although she interns part-time at NBC (her father hooked that shit up), she speaks authoritatively at the bars about the “changing face of journalism” — an expression she overheard. Nonetheless, the real story is that within a three-hour span this past Saturday morning, Tiffany sent out a relentless flurry of 32 separate Facebook updates, notifying friends that she is, indeed, busy. The AP reported earlier today that she updated her status — on average — every three minutes, beating her previous record of every 10 minutes last week.

The updates ranged from “SOOOO busy right now, no time for ANYTHING!!!” to more specific work-related grievances such as, “Don’t have time to think cuz office is so crazy today, I looked terrible today on camera — PUNCH ME!!”

More to come.

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Fran Sampson’s work week was coming to a close at Rilfkin PR, and she finished making all of her cold calls. The sun was creeping from behind the clouds and she already knew the exact sun dress she was going to wear for Garth’s barbecue the next afternoon. The orange one.
It was time to start doling out some unwarranted compliments and good cheer — just because.

“Cute buzz cut Sheryl!”
“What’d you do with your makeup today it’s so cute, Jen!”
“You look buff Chris, you must be lifting,” Fran blurted in just a ten minute span last Friday, agitating her office mates.

“Things were going so well that day, so I wanted to spread my enthusiasm to those around me, but everyone was so quiet and absorbed in what they were doing” she told us. “But I was having such a good day.”

One co-worker outwardly and unabashedly expressed his disdain.

“I hate Fran,” said Chis, an assistant manager speaking candidly to It’s So True. “I’ve never lifted weights a day in my life, and I’m clearly fat — there was no reason for that embarrassing comment about me being buff and all in front of my supervisor.”

“Fran is obnoxiously cheerful when things are going her way,” said another co-worker who asked to remain anonymous. “First of all, she showers me with compliments about how ‘hot’ my hair or makeup looks — the makeup I happen to wear every day of the week — and she profusely thanks me for doing simple, meaningless favors. She repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly thanked me for letting her borrow my fu–ing pen.”

“There is no need for that type of disingenuous, short-lived excitement in the office.”

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Sarah must be right. All 8 of her girlfriends ‘totally agree’ that her boyfriend — Matt — of one month is a complete and total jerk for doing what he did.

At Sarah’s behest, each of the 8 confidants provided an armchair psychoanalysis of Matt (of course steering clear of no-no’s from the chick flick He’s Just Not That Into You) and each friend agreed that Sarah was, in fact, entitled to leave that cryptic Facebook status message: “Men are assholes.” But, mind you, all this while still listing Matt and her as in a relationship.

The drawn out three-week long argument with her boyfriend allegedly began when he was at his Rec basketball game and Sarah, who was going to sleep early that night, told him for the first time: “I love you.”

Matt, allegedly surrounded by several sweaty members of his team, fell silent and bought himself some time to quickly conjure up a response that wouldn’t diminish his status as a tough-as-nails rebounding force on the court; but he failed miserably and allegedly responded: “Uhh, I think we’re breaking up here Sarah, what did you say?”

When she repeated her love for him, he was allegedly at a loss for words and responded with a muffled, “good stuff, call you tomorrow,” before ending the call and silencing his phone.

Strangely, when interviewed, each one of Sarah’s friends provided nuanced opinions on the relationship that went awry: They all agreed, Sarah is a self-delusional lush and Matt’s loyalty is questionable as he attempted drunken make-outs with two-thirds of them.

But of course they could never, ever tell Sarah how they really feel.

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