Tim Sawchuck IV is an absolute idiot. At least that’s what he called himself after prematurely stepping out of the shower last Tuesday morning.

“I was in a rush to get to work,” Sawchuck explained. “I was an absolute idiot … after stepping out of the shower, I felt an unusual slippery sensation between my legs — 30 seconds later, I realized I didn’t thoroughly rinse off.”

Early reports indicate that Sawchuck did not even spend a mere second to ensure that all areas of his body were properly washed, and stepped out of the shower like a fool, leaving a smidgen of Dove Men’s Body Wash in an often ignored crevasse.

“I started drying off and then was real pissed off when I realized I had to get all wet again. What a damn bummer”

Check back tomorrow to hear the full interview with our reporter who discovered the story.

Indignant Starbucks patrons waited impatiently for the unisex bathroom before an employee finally opened the door to find a well-dressed middle-aged man, curled up in fetal position clutching his brief case.

“It was a long day at work,” the gentleman uttered in a British accent. ” I am not sleeping, just resting before returning home. Is that not what these rooms are for?”

While being dragged out the brit, shouted repeatedly, “I was not bathing, I was not bathing.”

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In a hidden chamber in the Hapsburg Castle, a secret chest was unearthed by a team of local archaeologists, and the discovery was leaked to It’s So True’s newly formed investigative team last Friday.

The chest was rumored to have been owned and sealed by Maximilian I of the Holy Roman Empire, and it contained crude, early versions of what now are considered sex toys.

According to Arndt Schmige, the head archaeologist, these are the first versions of many of the world’s foremost sex toys. Among the more interesting items in the chest, was a ruby encrusted, vibrating egg powered by a Swiss watch movement mechanism and a set of crudely fashioned anal beads.

Bill Dawson of the Field Museum in Chicago spoke at length on the subject.

“These findings are truly fascinating,” he said. To know that the Romans weren’t the only practitioners of self-serving sexual deviancy is truly astounding. The anal beads are truly a marvel, and judging by their gold encrusted exterior are only fit for the rectum of a king. Equally fascinating is the vibrating egg powered by Swiss mechanical precision. I imagine the Queen of Hapsburg ravaging herself during those lonely nights alone in the palace.”

The artifacts were claimed by the government to be property of the country’s hall of records which led to many complications when the entire excavation took a turn shoving the vibrating egg up each of their rectal cavities. Apparently the ruby crusted exterior was not as forgiving for them as it was for King Maximilian.

More details to come in the following days

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