If you think hazing was just for football players and fratsters, think again. Serious incidents involving hazing have surfaced recently at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Alverdine Baldred, a freshman wizard-apprentice at Hogwarts, was forced to participate in an “enchanted elephant walk.” It’s So True’s reporters caught up with Baldred, and asked him to describe the hazing process and ritual.

“You see, an enchanted elephant walk is just like a regular elephant walk. Only instead of sticking your finger … you know … up there … we just use a magic wand instead.”

Baldred seemed deeply disturbed by the incident, but said that it was commonplace at the school. Many students and faculty members attribute it to the fact that the wizard world has become far more competitive, and that the cutthroat attitude has trickled down to the student body.

“When I was training to be a potion mixer all you needed was a big white beard and a ‘can-do’ attitude. Now a days class rank is so competitive you’ve got kids eating troll shit and f–ing hill giants just to be a part of some exclusive club!” retorted Elgar Baldred, father of Alverdine, when the hazing allegations were announced. “I don’t care how bad you want to be a part of the Quidditch team, you don’t parade around a locker room with another guy’s magic wand up your rear! Am I speaking Orcish up here and not knowing it!?”

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Legions of pizza-faced nerds will be up in arms about the current cinematic bastardization of one of the most beloved X-Men of all time…Wolverine

X-Men Origins: Wolverine was met with much hype by comic fans and movie goers due to the rumors that the script followed the popular storylines depicted in the X-Men comics of the mid-nineties. These storylines provided origins for some of the most popular and mysterious characters within the X-Men mythology, and they introduced one of the most popular new characters in the Marvel Universe; Deadpool. However, the current film did not deliver on such claims. Instead what we are left with is a thin story loaded with sloppy exposition, horribly rendered optical effects, and laughable dialogue. Not to mention that the Wolverine and Deadpool storylines stray from the comic in a big way.

If you are looking for something to do this upcoming weekend, then you should consider watching bukkake porn for two hours … because it is far more intellectually stimulating than watching Wolverine.

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The new HBO drama sucks

If a TV show is about women and set in a third world country, then you’d better like it or you’re an ignorant, racist Republican. Apparently this was the mindset of the HBO execs who green lit the new drama entitled The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency. Judging by the sad production value, shitty acting and writing, the show could not have been made for any other reason than the aforementioned one.

The show focuses on Mma Ramotswe, played by Jill Scott, who decides to become a private investigator following the death of her father. What ensues are a series of unexciting investigative events… mainly about how women ‘know so much more than men, and that is why they make good detectives!’

The characters are cartoonish and unrealistic, the dialogue is on the nose and irritating, and the stakes for the characters are very low. Not to mention, the pretentiousness of the filmmakers to just assume everyone gives a great, big shit about this story is almost as infuriating.

The only positive thing in this steaming cauldron of diarrhea is the performance of the always solid Idris Elba. He plays the African villain with the same convincing sincerity that he brought to The Wire and Rocknrolla. It is just ironic that he happens to be a man… and the villain.

Don’t watch this show unless you enjoy being preached to or you believe all men are chauvinistic pigs.


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