Last Friday, Phillip Seymor felt an uncomfortable sensation in his anus, and thankfully one of our reporters, by chance, was on the scene to witness the ensuing creative display of public itch relief.

Seymor described it as an “acute itch” and a “terrible tickling sensation” that began attacking his inner rear at the most inopportune of moments — as he was delivering unfortunate news to his girlfriend.

“It’s not you … it’s me,” he explained to his girlfriend of one and a half years, employing the age-old — and relatively successful — break-up tactic. “I mean, you’ve done nothing wrong, I just can’t do the whole girlfriend thing right now because with looking for PR internships, Zog Sports kickball once a week and all, it’s getting a little tough–”

And then the itch began tickling his anus, suddenly and with increasing uncomfortableness.

Seymor reached around to adjust his jeans with the hope that in the process he might casually dig a finger up there and perform what he called “pinching the itch” without her noticing; but he failed to sell his (ex)girlfriend on all fronts.

“Why the f– are you picking your ass, right as you dump me? How stupid and inconsiderate can you be??!”

His girlfriend, who asked to remain anonymous when we ambushed her soon after the scene, was irate at his antics and began crying as he broke her his decision to call it quits.

Seymor tried again moments later using a tactic only intended for desperate situations. He leaned against a low metal fence protecting a small garden, and as a cat might use the end of a couch as a scratching device, so did Seymor digging his rear up and down against the pointed metal.

He no longer needed to finish his poorly scripted excuse.

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After swallowing a mouthful of scum puddle water from a passing taxi on First Avenue yesterday, Corey Simms, 26, had just about enough. The dirty rain water was the least of his worries, as he was recently demoted from Sales Manager to Data Input Associate at the Lick & Stick Envelope Glue company he’s worked for the last two years (his boss allegedly spun it as a ‘promotion for the greater good’).

Only compounding his misfortunes, the dentist, earlier that morning, said he would require reconstructive gum surgery due in part to using a mega-hard bristled toothbrush. Corey says he was under the impression that ‘the harder the bristles, the more deep and intense the teeth cleaning.’

So, Corey decided it was time to make a small jab at God. Corey’s goal was to inform Him of all the recent bad news with the hope that God would wake the f— up and grant him some better news in the near future.

“After the cab drenched me in black dirt water — I think I tasted a smidgen of dog urine and gasoline — I spit it out and was so pissed off. I looked to the sky and made a snide comment to God,” he said. “But it must have come across much differently than I expected.”

Minutes after his sarcastic plea — ‘Ok, God, you sure are making things soo easy today,’ — his prayer backfired. As it turns out, God did not pick up on Corey’s seemingly explicit sarcasm, and granted him but one more unfortunate piece of news.

Corey’s go-to Three Wolf Moon 100% Cotton Short Sleeve Shirt — the one he bought in a rural Wisconsin truck stop a few years back– was forming a large hole.

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When Jeffery Armstrong found a seat on the crowded 6 train on the way home from work yesterday, he was in one of his better moods. It was just one compliment after the next at work. And when an attractive woman sat across from him on the subway and looked his way, he was certain she was “checking him out.”

“It was sort of obvious, I mean she didn’t even attempt to look away,” he said. “She was staring at me — examining the contours of my face, tilting her head this way and that.”

Jeffery, 29, went on to explain with complete confidence the science of how his recent work success ‘emits a sort of unintentional aphrodisiac that attracts single women.’

“There was no doubt in my mind,” Armstrong admitted. “She saw my stature and my work clothing, and in a blink, she knew I was her type of man. I mean she was decent looking, not my type. The ball was in my court — should I stroke her confidence and give her a wink? Or just play it cool?”

It’s So True examined this issue head on, and ambushed the young lady that Armstrong was referring to — just as she was leaving Crunch fitness.

We asked her if she recalled a man on the subway that she found attractive the previous day.

“Oh that guy?” she said after several seconds of thought. She expressed concern that she was being used for a ‘missed connections reality show.’ “Wait — you mean the dude on the subway yesterday with the pink shirt and pit stains, uh… like a big forehead, and eyes that were really, really close together?”

Indeed Armstrong does possess a large forehead and unusually close eye sockets.

“No, no, no, no, I was completely lost,” she said laughing, toying her wedding ring. “I was squinting to see the large subway map, and his head was blocking all of Lower Manhattan.”

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