(image via flickr/Justin Ruckman)

It’s So True is officially ready to report — despite repeated legal injunction threats — a longstanding, unspoken grievance concerning the staff of the New York City children’s services agency Helping Children Do Stuff.

After dozens of exclusive interviews, every staff member of this local non-profit admits that the organization, as a whole, is dysfunctional and everyone else is much f–ing dumber and more retarded than they are.

Interviews reveal that the sexually repressed social workers secretly hate the grossly overweight executive staff who blame the lack of government funding on an incompetent board, whom they vetted and chose themselves. The board members are all bankers whose children attend prestigious, private institutions and who have no interest in helping poor children do stuff — as their mission ultimately states.

“Nothing ever gets done here,” says Benson Harrison, Deputy Chief Operating Officer. “It’s like, I am the only one with any brains here, everyone is so f–ing stupid.”

Others, such as program directors and staff with vague job titles who work directly with Benson, attest otherwise.

“I have a damn masters in public policy and public health, ok?” said Mary Snow, Director of Community Help, a job description that is vaguely described as outreach and awareness in the general New York City community.

“People like Benson are so incompetent … I mean, I would like to change the system here and then everything would work out smoothly,” Snow finally revealed during the second hour of her lunch break. “But everything is too dysfunctional here to even try.”

-js