It's So True reports on the heartwarming story of a former Bank of America office Ice Maker

For 10 consecutive years, Walenty Jaworski worked a nine-to-five in the cold basement of Bank of America’s New York City headquarters filling gilded ice trays with pristine water shipped from a tiny mountain village in Croatia.  The water in the ice trays, after sitting for one hour, transformed into beautiful ice cubes which Jaworski delivered directly into the water glasses of top executives using silver tongs. 

Last week Jaworski was laid off, but this week he can officially call himself the 94th Most Uninfluential Man in the World.

“It’s very very nice to see I made it,” said Jaworski, 49, who now works as an Ice Maker for a hedge fund manager, earning a slightly larger annual salary of $925,000.  “It’s so nice to be recognized. It had to happen sooner or later, I just knew it.”

In this day and age cynics say that Ice Makers are unnecessary — after all, the solidification of H20 does not require the talent nor toil of a trained chemist, and is a rather simple and menial task individuals, regardless of their power in wealth, should just do themselves.

Yet Bank of America execs insist that in order to perform at their “highest standards,” they need “perfect” ice cubes in their water glasses and this requires an outside hire.  Stricter regulations from the federal government forced a cut of Jaworski’s position, but that didn’t stop Time Inc. from noticing his worthlessness.

Managing editor of Time Inc. Ricardo Stengelo says that Jaworski and others in the Time 100 Most Uninfluential list earned their ranking based on one key factor.

“Our editors ask the question: Does the individual’s life consist of doing no good but also no real harm to society?” said Stengelo. “Jaworski broadly fit that criterion this year, and we congratulate him.”

Stengelo also said Jaworski did not earn a higher (more worthless) ranking because his salary partially stemmed from taxpayer bailout dollars, arguably rendering his ice making “slightly detrimental” to society. Also Jaworski did have some power to poison his ice trays, thus causing harm to the bank.

According to Time, the top three most uninfluential people this year were 1.) Bill Simon from Sydney, Australia (male right’s activist); Lisa Scott from New York City, NY (an aggressive environmental canvasser for Green Peace); and Hillary James (a “freelance writer” and snarky blog commenter for Gawker.

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"We are teabaggin' the heck out of each other here in Texas"(image via arellis49/flickr)

In what appeared to be one of the largest clusterf–cks in recent history, the “Live At The Alamo Tea Party” this past Tuesday didn’t let anyone down. It was a grand showing of authentic Americans.

Live from San Antonio, Texas, pudgy-cheeked and purported “Independent” television host Glenn Beck ranted to his audience how socialism has usurped capitalism because of President Obama’s reckless spending.  He also bashed “The Media,” FOX News’ most formidable news rival.

It’s a good thing that It’s So True’s A-list team – and recent Media Elite card-carrying members — were there to ambush the proud, but rather confused, Southern crowd.

“This gathering of like-minded, progressive folks reliving the  Boston Tea Party spirit shows how Conservatism is young, alive and moving towards the future,” said one anonymous protester.

When asked what, exactly, he was protesting, the man responded with the same frame of conservative “logic” and “patriotism” Glenn Beck toted all day long:

“We are teabaggin’ the heck out of each other here in Texas,” he said.

“This Boston Tea Party today, like they had way back when, is to show Obama’s people that we will not stand for taxes and socialism.  Why should I not be able to fire my gun…”

After several hours, It’s So True’s team of ambush reporters departed the event more disoriented and delirious than any member of the protest.

Wasn’t this supposed to be a friendly gathering of white people?


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A model performing one of reporter Jennifer Cerrion’s questionable recession-busting butt stretches. (Demonstrated as suggested in one of Cerrion’s columns)
(photo courtesy of http://www.hazelfaithfull.co.uk/yogaclasses.html)

Jennifer Cerrion, Fitness Week’s Eatin’ Healthy and Lookin’ Sexy editor, has covered everything from the debut of Five Minute Abs to the absolute best bikini body plans; she even tackled the most yummy turkey wraps back when it wasn’t such a popular thing to do. Always providing a pithy lead and a kicker with a double exclamation point, she is the intellectual force of the fitness world.

As of late, Cerrion is becoming less and less and cutesy, and more and more focused on a news peg that attracts readers: the economic crisis.

“I just feel like the recession is so big right now — it’s so in,” said Cerrion as she waited outside of Crunch gym in Midtown for an interview with a trainer. “Yea, so what, 75 fitness and recession-related columns is a lot, but I’m carving out a nice ‘recessionista’ niche.”

But some of Cerrion’s readers are beginning to pick up on her trend.

“I just don’t get how she justifies not toasting bread when preparing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as a great ‘recession buster,’” said angry Fitness Week reader Jennifer Mazzarati.

In her recent column, Cerrion makes a meandering argument that “leaving out the toaster while making a pb&j” will save you big money on electrical bills.

Her column two weeks ago, “The Cheapest Bubble Butt Builder” raised some eyebrows, because she presented no evidence that performing squats while holding a small child over your head — as opposed to those pricey weights — eliminates any wasteful spending, or strengthens your behind.

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