Photo by Joe Shlabotnik/Flickr

For those who enjoy laying out in Central Park on a summer weekend afternoon, it’s par for the course that you will be struck by a football, a shirtless twenty-two year old making a heroic one-handed frisbee catch, or, quite often, a javelin spear.

But to the dismay of many New Yorkers and javelin enthusiasts, New York Parks & Recreation have now banned javelin toss — a popular, relatively benign sport. The sport, played with a metal-tipped spear used primarily in track & field or in the past to kill wooly mammoths, was deemed “too dangerous for a crowded park filled with hundreds of sunbathers.”

The ban was made in Sheep Meadow, Central Park immediately after a few hundred people were accidentally speared in various areas — limbs, chest, neck, nut sack — last Sunday afternoon.

Local Los Angeles UPS employee, Derek Mears made an official apology to customers and co-workers today. He issued the following statement this morning:

“The fact is that I am responsible for the vile stench coming out of the bathroom yesterday. Despite my fierce denial, I have had a day to think it over, and I felt it was time for me to take responsibility for my actions. In my limited wisdom, I ate two Texas Whoppers yesterday afternoon, and what followed was deeply disturbing. I found myself riding the porcelain pony for an hour — each minute fecal ejecting with increased ferocity and gastric pressure”

Earlier yesterday, Mears claimed that the smell was ‘not his doing,’ but the product of a “dead animal in the heating vent,” but It’s So True’s local correspondents were on the scene to verify.


UPS employee Gabriela Garcia claims she had no idea who produced the hellish smell.


“I didn’t know human beings were capable of producing such a disgusting odor, but then again no dead rat ever smelled that bad either. Maybe a dead walrus rotting on a July afternoon in Alabama would have been more believable.”


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What is proper conference call etiquette? Don’t ask Temmima. (photo by courtesy of (http://www.ehow.com/how_4474300_successfully-facilitate-conference-call.html)

The teleconference was scheduled for 11am, but Temmima Burgess totally forgot until, about, 11:20am — long after the 35 other non-profit managers called in.

After realizing, she dialed the 800-number with her long neon orange-colored pinky fingernail (her other fingers were still greasy from digging into a bag of delicious Cool Ranch Doritos), and she pressed speakerphone for better fingers-to-Dorito accessibility.

Just as the moderator of the teleconference was answering a high importance question about available funding for underprivileged schools, Temmima announced her presence:

“Excuse me everyone…crunch…My name is Temmima Burgess,” she shouted while intermittently chewing and breathing heavily. “I am the Program Assistant at the Children’s…crunch…Education Agency in the Bron–AHHH CHOOO!! GOD DAMN! — I apologize, I’m coming down with the flu…”

The moderator asked her politely to mute her phone, as he was in the middle of answering important questions. But she continued –

“I apologize… crunch… for my tardiness, but as you know things get crazy around here… crunch… And I am a Sagittarius — so ya’ll know how we are. But I do have a four-pronged question about this grant application…”


“Ma’am!” the moderator pleaded, “please dial ’star, six’ to mute your phone.”
It’s So True followed up with Temmima after the conference call; the answer to her questions could be found on the cover page of the application.

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